Paradise is Here
by Jikufurido
Summary: Even in peaceful times, Kazuki can't find his place


**Paradise is here**

Kazuki rolled on the bed, just regaining conciousness, slowly. Yawed and opened his eyes trying to make clear where he was. The morning sunlight was getting annoying, lightning the room clearer than he could tolerate. He pulled the blanket over his face, trying to protect himself from the burning white, but it could do nothing to let him lie down a little longer. Frustrated, he stood up and stepped downstairs, trying to remember what was he dreaming about before his eyes started hurting him so badly that forced him to leave the world of dreams. That abyss of darkness, unleashed and dissociated memories; the place in where he could do everything as he wished. Anyway, he didn't have a clear image of it any more, but the sensations were there, all inside his body while waking up, which easily fainted away at the same pace as his awareness went up.

Rapidly he noticed nobody was in the house, not a single sound could be heard, and that made him sigh with relief. Kazuki didn't want to greet his father every morning any more, not a single word would slide from his mouth if he by chance was there, waiting for him with breakfast. What can he say, by chance? They didn't have so much in common, not a bit, in fact. Akane was always the link between them, and when she went to the Festum's side, Fumihiko got trapped into himself. Kazuki _now_ could understand perfectly why. However, that didn't change his relation with his own father. They shared some time trying to get over that, expended full days moulding vessels together, without crossing a word. Maybe the level of their communication didn't require words.

The same empty faces were everywhere on the island, living the same lives as always, like nothing had ever occurred to them or the island itself. Old people were acting like they were while he was a kid, when he knew nothing, when his awareness code was the lowest. The Mir was calm, the same clear and shiny days of summer outside, every day and every week, rounding and rounding kindly. The hypocrisy. He couldn't understand why everyone was so normal. Nobody was talking about the aliens or the fallen children. All those people missing, all the disaster and now... now was like then never existed.

He closed the curtains of the living room, avoiding the brightness. His eyes couldn't take the clarity of days or high voltage house lights. The assimilation process was successfully stopped from taking his vision -and body-, but it took its resistance and the contraction capacity from his pupils, only left a slowly conditioning to smooth light. It was just like to be blind on the open day. The pain was the only thing he could see if he stared at the luminous blue sky directly. But that wasn't a complication for him, not at his current state. He didn't know for sure if that was a good thing or not. At that moment the only thought firmly staying in his mind was to remain alone in his room, thinking, wandering, even regretting. He didn't want to go outside. The darkness, the black side of his heart was even with the dreams he used to have, and he belonged in there.

His reactions were getting slower and everything looked paler than the day before. Nothing could even possibly brighten the days up for him again, he thought. The daily routine was starting to waste him out, nothing to change, nothing for him to do. Since everyday was so peaceful, he grew to be more and more irritated by the mere idea of boredom. His inner desire of destruction was getting uncontrollable and he could do nothing to calm it down. Maybe he was sounding like a psycho or a insane little boy, but he was somehow missing the war days, when he could beat the Festums and feel like the pleasure got every one of his cells drunk. When everyone was expecting him to be there and save them. He wanted to destroy, to feel superior and mighty. And let others notice, too. That side of him was breathing inside, deep within him since his first met with his Fafner. The glory days. And _his_ days too.

The chair creaked when he sat. He was always trying to not think about it, about him, in truth. To get every single of _his_ memories far from his conciousness, as far as he can throw them into the hollow of his mind. The same place he used to put _that _incident. Just thinking on the sound of _his_ name was painful. He always tried to shake it out, barely winning that fight on the daily basis. Kazuki was there yet, why only him? His place wasn't there if it was all by himself, like that he felt as if he wasn't there either. His existence was meaningless in those terms. _Paradise_ wasn't mean to be like this.

At some point he tried to go back to his previous normal life, he really did. Maya said to him that it will be better if he challenged the possibility of getting back to normal. But school didn't work. He couldn't stay on the classroom where almost all the seats where empty and the chalkboard still had some of_ their_ handwriting, silly things of old times. Also, every lower class child there stared at him with mixed eyes. Some with admiration, other with cautious, even vengeful. So uncomfortable. Then he went to get a chance on sports. Being alone wasn't helpful either. The sensation of winning wasn't there if he was competing with himself. Kenji quit challenging him since Sakura's break down. Others were just not a match for him.

Sometimes Maya could manage a tiny smile from him, she was special for Kazuki. She also could understand what he was feeling since they shared the same war from the same circumstances, the same pain of loss. She was there with him, taking his memories with her, treasuring them to not forget the old Kazuki. He even went at night to that place they used to share, while the war lasted, to find some peace of mind. She could do that with him. But lately, that wasn't enough. Maya's words started to taste like hot water instead of green tea. The memories were worse and more recurrent. His will was fading and he didn't care a bit about it. He was lost of himself.

"I didn't bet."

He heard the weak whisper echoing in the room. That voice. He knew that voice, just like he knew his. He looked all around him, letting the chair hit floor with a strong slam noise. Nobody was home, he knew that already. But he couldn't help but to look for it in every room of the house. Finding nothing. He frowned, not convinced at all. His fingers trembled, he heard _his _voice, he did. Why wasn't _he_ there if he did? He couldn't endure another trick, another forever lasting promise that easily could take his entire life to fulfil.

He tightened his fists, then looked at them over the table. The bruises still there, on the base of every finger, the ten of them. They weren't fading away as the time passed by. But he was afraid of the tiny idea about them doing it. And if that happens, maybe everything will become a bad dream, a realistic nightmare of his. The Festums, the Fafners, Shoko, Koyo, Mamoru, Michio and everyone who was already gone would come to be a part of nothing. These marks were all was he had as a memento, all the Fafner left to him besides his sight problem. And he didn't want to forget, even if the memories were consuming his very life.

"But, if I had to... it would be on you. That's logic."

Again the voice, and with the answer he never got. Why is it now? He ran and went out the house, forgetting about all the cares about the sun or whatever, he didn't care. Maybe it came from the front door, and he have to confirm it. He stared at the wall in front of him, nobody in there. The freeze outside was chilly. Then he looked upstairs. He really wasn't prepared to see that white coat back blocking the sunrise, slowly doing his way to the top.

"Soshi!" Screamed without thinking, even without realizing what he was saying. He wanted to run over that same point where _he_ was, feel he was there for real and for sure. But his feet were as planted on the floor, no wanting to move any time soon. Soshi's silhouette stopped and his profile got clearly cut on the orange and reddish background. Time stopped suddenly. He could swear Soshi was smiling at him, maybe saying something else he couldn't hear. It was painful, but in a completely different way than it was when he was trying to get over _his_ absence.

The sun went straight in his eyes, when he finally took a step forward, making him shut them fiercely. Kazuki raised his hand quickly to make some shadow, to make the suffering disappear and be able to see him clearly again. His breath was totally messed up, he was there, standing just in from of him. He was... He wasn't there any more.

"Are you... really there?" Kazuki lowered his head, resigning to his delusions one again before going back inside. He had to be patient, he thought. But, that doesn't mean it wouldn't hurt.

The End

Notes: thanks to zinkymomo LJ for the Beta!


End file.
